With all the attempts to raise awareness of depression, it’s
become apparent that a good many people still do not understand it and what it
entails. Needless to say, this derives from the fact that ‘depression’ is
profoundly difficult and far too substantial an issue to define succinctly. In
addition, everyone who suffers from depression experiences it somewhat
differently. A very common aspect, however, at least from what I and people
around me have experienced, is a tendency to involuntarily detach oneself from
one’s colleagues, cohabitants and surroundings. Some refer to this as some form
of apathy, though this term, like ‘depression’, is hurled back and forth so
much that it is fast becoming devoid of meaning, or at the very least more
susceptible to blunt misinterpretation. I prefer to see this detachment as a
sort of ‘greying out’, in the sense that one’s relatability and connection with
the surrounding universe seem to dissolve without rhyme or reason. And it can
happen at any time.
Here’s an apt case study. The other day I joined my partner
and his brother for a walk around town. Everything was fine until we entered a
mobile phone shop, filled to the brim with high-tech gidgets and gadgets, some
of which, I have to admit, was beyond even my comprehension despite my interest
in technology. Then, completely out of nowhere, my mind seemed to just blot out
all interest. The people ambling about became faceless drones, pushing and
shoving for the latest models, queueing to experience the VR headset parked on
a small table at the back of the store. I simply froze. It’s impossible to say
why, and what precisely invoked this coldness. It was really quite bizarre. My
partner looked at me, concerned, and asked if I was okay. “I’m fine”, I replied
rather unconvincingly, in a hushed and inexplicably emotional tone. He sensed
something was indeed wrong and pressed for answers – but I couldn’t give him
any as I didn’t know myself! The feeling passed soon afterwards, and I
concluded that it was merely a one-off. But it’s happened before, frequently.
I remarked that this kind of episode is entirely out of the
blue, but in all honesty, there’s often some kind of trigger, so matter how
miniscule it might seem. More recently, I have been considering the potentially
damaging effects of consumerist society. The more I think about it, the more I
seem to think we’ve all actually been manipulated, duped, and even forced into
this way of life. Sure, it has its benefits, but it also sees us in limbo – in
a continuous purgatory – yearning for some kind of finish line that will never
materialise. Perhaps these thoughts were responsible for my having zoned out of
reality for that brief period, though it’s unclear even to me. Suddenly,
despite everything and everyone in front of me, I felt alone, accompanied only
by a nagging internal voice questioning why I was there. That’s the thing about
this ‘greying out’ – it makes you think you’re not really there, as though
you’re observing from a distance, and not physically incorporated into your
surroundings. It’s hard to explain, but that’s how it feels.
And where do I go from here? Well, I’m afraid it’s sort of
open-ended. There’s no ‘one size fits all’ solution to this problem, but
discouraging as that might sound, there are methods one can apply to alleviate
it. It sounds clichéd but investing oneself in a hobby or interest that
genuinely does mean something to you can help a great deal. Personally, I find
it rewarding if I know something I’m working on will turn out looking and/or
sounding great by its final culmination, even if the actual process at the time
feels slow and repetitive. It’s just a personal preference but secluding myself
from the outside world from time to time helps me to assess and fathom my
thoughts, and engage in something productive. This productivity might only come
to fruition when you’ve mustered the energy to give yourself a firm encouraging
push, and it might even sound daunting, but trust me, it’s worth it. In truth,
while at times it seems as though the world operates in some kind of bleak,
routine, cyclical formation, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. By keeping
the mind healthy and active, you’ll begin to see past all the negativity and
focus predominantly on what matters to you. It’s true what they say: reality is
what you make of it. So if you’re ever feeling washed out and low, keep in mind
that, although reality can indeed seem dark, cold and depressing at times,
there’s potentially still a world of colour waiting to be painted. And you hold the brush.
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